Kagey

Confess your shopping sins and find salvation.

Listen to the gospel according to Reverend Billy and find the path to righteousness.

Visit the Church of Stop Shopping!

 

My heart sank as I watched this behemoth try to get round the narrow bend up the road from me… But when I realised the passengers were far from Roedean I chivvied up. I gave thanks to my chavy heritage and blessed the occupants for the havoc they reap upon the carefully developed brand!

For as soon as a name becomes bling or chav the brand equity vanishes. For instance what were once indentifiers for the stylish or wealthy like Burberry, Cartier, Gucci or Prada are now the domain of TKMax and eBay. The image slaves wouldn’t be seen dead in them.

So could one long limo for Chav be one short trade in for the Chelsea Tractor? Since about every naff Hen Night or Stag features a stretched limo these days what discerning captain of industry would consider it a statement of success to use one? With the arrival of the 20ft Hummer the value of “Range Rover or Jeep” and all the other 4×4 wannabe brands maybe on the slide! Tinted glass will be the absolutely essential option to save the faces of the not so cool.

So pimp up my ‘All Wheel Drive,’ the Chavs are stretchin’ and squeezin’ the syle of the Chelsea Tractor!

And for bus companies everywhere, there’s got to be a lesson here!

Read the disturbing Facts about the dangers of big 4×4′s on urban streets

We have to be very clever because the ones who run this place might be mad but they’re not stupid; they’re crazy but they ain’t stupid.

The lunatics really are running the asylum after all.

I’ve been skipping my pills and going turkey, today things are clear.

I’m starting to see the deal now and how’s this for a piss take? They’ve started putting warnings on the packets of ‘Comfort’.

So confident now, that the medication is working, they tell us that the contents, ‘will kill’ or ’cause a slow and painful death’ but the sleepwalkers suck it down. It’s a masterstroke. It makes me smile; the poisoner is wearing the doctor’s coat.

The prescribed course of treatment has worked magic. One dose of Delusion tm (separate patient from cause and effect) One dose of Foreboding tm, (to induce fear or paranoia) One dose of Comfort tm; Administer daily in increasing dosage.

Once established this triad is completely interdependent and self-serving, reduce or increase any part of the treatment and the patient will display signs of distress followed by self-administered re-balancing doses.

Neat treatment that triad, give a smoker a dose of Delusion tm and then tell he or she that they will die a painful death at the altar of the flip top (Foreboding tm) and they’ll reach for a packet of their favourite brand of Comfort tm. There’s Comfort tm for every kind of Foreboding tm, a new car, a new mortgage, a new wife, the terms are easy and now you can even get your Comfort tm with added Foreboding tm ‘your home may be at risk if you do not keep up the payments.’

So shout as loud as you like “the earth is heating like a greenhouse, the forests are being destroyed. We will leave a wasteland for our children!” The response from the sleepwalkers will be to go shopping for their own taste in Comfort tm; the scarier the message – the stronger the dose.

The ones who run this place might be mad but they’re not stupid; they’re crazy but they ain’t stupid.

In my clarity I feel the falling forest like the dropping beats of my heart. I’ve got the foreboding for real. The first rush found old paths and receptive neurons. The chemicals like a malicious serpent slither around my gut and chest; it’s venom infecting my brain. From the pit of my stomach the calls for Comfort tm come screaming but as a penance for my impotence I’m taking cold turkey. This is no time for sleepwalking.

We have to be awake because the ones who run this place are both pushers and junkies.

Don’t do Comfort tm